Why do we often feel lonely even after spending time with others?

To what extent are we truly present in our relationships, and why do we often feel lonely even after spending time with others?

Our interpersonal relationships bring us the greatest joy and, at the same time, the greatest challenges. One would think that navigating human relationships is something innate to us and that we all excel at it. However, this is not always the case. Relationships are not something to be taken for granted; they require our attention, constant effort, investment of energy, and nurturing. Merely existing in a relationship is not enough; its quality is also in question, as well as how fulfilling it truly is for both parties. Years ago, I came across the idea in a publication that there are different levels and qualities of human connection. It talked about the extent of truly listening to each other and being present in our relationships. At that time, I recognized myself as being quite low on that scale. This realization hurt me considerably but also honestly awakened me and made me realize that it was time for concrete changes on my part. Since then, I actively engage myself in spending time with loved ones with a mindful presence. I wish to pass on this knowledge and method of interpersonal communication for your consideration as well. I am confident that this new awareness or realization will improve the quality of important relationships in your life, whether it’s with a partner, your children, family, colleagues, or friends.

On Mindfulness

The word mindfulness simply means being present in the given moment. A concept that sounds very simple, doesn’t it? If it were that simple, there probably wouldn’t be a need for a plethora of books, videos, seminars, and workshops aimed at teaching us how to apply this simple concept, with an essence that can be summed up in one sentence. Where does the problem arise? Why does this celebrated mindfulness pose so many challenges for us? Why do we need so much practice for such a simple thing, and why is incorporating it into our daily lives and relationships so important?

Being present in the moment has several components. True presence firstly means fully accepting the moment we are in, accepting it exactly as it is, regardless of whether we interpret it as good or perhaps unpleasant. It means simply being with this moment and giving it our full attention. Distraction and denial of the present moment, even the unpleasant ones, ultimately only bring more complications in the long run. In this way, we only accumulate more and more baggage and delay dealing with it. Secondly, mindfulness requires the absence of our thoughts. Thoughts are what prevent us from truly being present here and now. Along with thoughts, our attention also travels, and thoughts are usually directed everywhere else but at the present moment. Thoughts often take us back to the past, to everything that has already happened, and to everything that could have been. But most often, our thoughts teleport our attention to the future.

Our attention is occupied by regrets, worries, and tasks that we need to check off our to-do list today, tomorrow, by the end of the week, and by the end of the month. When our attention is caught up in thoughts, we do not perceive our surroundings to their full potential, and all our senses become numb. Thus, the flow of our energy drains into past events or those that have not yet occurred. You can easily try this yourself; during your next walk or journey to work, the store, or school, try to focus your attention on your surroundings, exactly on what surrounds you at that moment. Put your thoughts, plans, and expectations into the background. Put your senses in the foreground, and you will be surprised by the range of small yet interesting experiences you miss while you are constantly immersed in your mind or even a screen. Of course, there are future situations that require our attention and planning, or past situations that need to be processed mentally. We can allocate a certain space and time to deal with these, without letting these thoughts constantly flood us and thereby steal our lives. Wandering in the same, often negative and unproductive thought patterns drastically affects our well-being and mood in the long run.

Focus on things fully when they happen. Our productivity and efficiency are significantly higher when we are fully present than when we are trapped in our thought stories and potential scenarios. As an example, take a lecture or a meeting; the more present you are during it, the less work you will have later compared to when your thoughts are completely elsewhere. Thus, we will need to carry much less baggage from the past, and we will be less burdened by things that have not even happened yet.

Of course, I am not talking about, for example, difficult, traumatic experiences that have marked us in the past, which cannot simply be forgotten and left behind, or important events that need to be carefully planned for the future. These require our time and attention to resolve. Life exists only and exclusively at this moment; the past and the future exist only in our minds. Likewise, our perception of our loved ones during our time with them is limited by our thoughts.

How Do Your Gatherings Look and What Kind of Listener Are You?

Despite spending time with a loved one, do you ever still feel lonely? Each of us has the need to be heard and understood. Are we truly capable of genuinely listening to the person on the other side, or do we selfishly demand it only from others? How much do we really, or at all, listen to each other? The amount of time spent with a person says nothing about the quality of our time together. Do we truly dedicate all our attention to our interlocutor, or does each of us just pour out what we want to share with someone, regardless of what this person has actually told us? Do we really listen to the person, or do we plan what we will say next in our heads while they speak?

In this case, this is a description of the lowest level of awareness or presence. This simply means that you cannot control your thoughts, and they dictate you, flooding you without your knowledge. If most of your interactions look like this, I must inform you that you or your interlocutor are most likely poor, absent listeners. But that’s okay; awareness is the first and greatest step towards change, for which it is never too late. With awakening our consciousness and practice, everyone can gain control over their thoughts and start using them as a very useful tool. The practice to achieving this state is simple: pay attention and check more often throughout the day whether you are lost in thoughts or truly present in the given moment. It also helps to set a reminder on your smartphone or stick a note in your apartment or office that reminds you to check your state of presence. When you catch yourself, simply redirect your attention to the present.

The more often you succeed in catching yourself, the more natural the state of mindful presence will become for you, regardless of what you are doing or where you are. Every moment or activity is an opportunity for practice, especially moments spent with others. Try the exercise in your next human interaction. Each of us can recall at least one person who is a conscious and present listener. But surely also at least one, with whom you feel that their mind is everywhere else except with you in the present moment. How do you feel in the company of such a person? I dare to say, probably not the best. You probably wouldn’t want the other person to feel that way in your presence either.

Not only time spent together but also the amount of our attention is an expression of respect. Perhaps we are only able to give the other person as much respect as we can give ourselves. Often, our gatherings look like this: in the limited time frame we allocate for socializing in our busy schedules, we just pile a heap of information and events onto each other. Conversation takes place without any depth, empathy, genuine curiosity, or understanding of the other person and their world. During such interactions, our ego is more than satisfied because it can show off what it has achieved, where it has been, and what injustices it has encountered along the way, thus assuming one of its favorite roles, the role of the victim. With this, our ego feasts on its favorite food – superficial attention and admiration, while our soul, longing for deeper connections, leaves the encounter still empty, hungry, and unheard.

So, what does mindful presence look like in our relationships?

Now we know that a person does not exist only on the mental level, but also on the level of higher consciousness. Our consciousness is like an infinite ocean, and thoughts are like waves that appear on its surface. They come and go. Consciousness is the source of our mindfulness, and operating from this level is much more effective. At our next meeting or interaction, for starters, let’s simply accept the person as they are on that day, in whatever state they are in. Even if they are exhausted or have had a bad day, let’s unconditionally accept them with understanding and compassion, and give them time and space to express themselves. Isn’t that something we would also want for ourselves from our loved ones? Let’s ask ourselves if everything we desire and expect from people, we ourselves also give to others.

Our ego and thoughts are the ones that want to change the present, judge it, and attach various conceptual labels to it, thereby once again missing this moment. Life is hidden exactly in this moment.

A listener with a higher consciousness listens in the absence of their thoughts, opinions, and judgments. We could say, with an empty mind. Believe me, your past and future worries residing in your mind will wait for you (if you allow them). During the time you spend with another person, leave them at the door. Express an intention to yourself, that you are dedicating your time to this moment with full attention and activate your consciousness and all your sensory perceptions. Our attention follows our intention, and our attention directs where our energy will flow.

The best ideas and solutions usually come about in the absence of thoughts. This may sound counterproductive or even nonsensical to some. But most of us have gone for a walk around town or in nature, alone, to “clear our heads” of these uncontrolled thought storms that unfold through our brains. Or perhaps we decided to try meditation because we read or heard somewhere that it also helps clear these mental whirlwinds. What does that actually mean? In the absence of thoughts, our consciousness finally takes the lead. It is capable of insights into the essence, the whole picture, and can take a step back to look at the problem holistically. When we act from our consciousness, we have a greater overview of the problem. Like if we were to look at the problem from the top of a skyscraper or a bird’s-eye view, while getting lost only in the mind is like wandering at the bottom of the skyscraper in the crowd of thoughts, limiting our overview and understanding of the situation. Not only do we limit our perception of situations and potential problems and dilemmas, but we also limit our perception of our loved ones.

Creating deeper interpersonal connections requires operating from a state of consciousness. The more personal worries and thoughts are present during socializing, the less capable we are of truly connecting with the person on a deeper level that nourishes our soul, which longs for genuine, conscious connections and relationships. The more our thoughts occupy us, the less we perceive. A person on the other side is, of course, a multi-layered and multi-dimensional being. Ask yourself how many of your interpersonal connections with other people are those that only feed your ego, and how many of them are those genuine, authentic, conscious ones, and what difference do you feel between them?

So, the next time you spend time with a dear person, listen to them with all your attention, without judgment and mental labels. Our thoughts are not facts and truth; they are only the subjective opinions that limit us in perceiving the reality. Observe and perceive the person as a whole, not just their words but also their posture, body language, and energy. Listen to them without already planning in your head what you will reply or, worse, already having planned and mentally written your speech, eagerly waiting for them to stop talking so you can start talking about yourself. Of course, conversation involves a mutual exchange of information between you and the person on the other side, but this exchange can take place with a sense of flow and naturalness. It can also just look like dumping information and events on top of each other. Of course, it is normal to exchange experiences and events during social gatherings, but we can do this with empathy and consideration for the person on the other side. The time we spend together does not only concern us; there are two participants (or more). Attend gatherings, if they are not meetings that require planning, without expectations and just let go and observe where your consciousness and the given moment take you.

You might find yourself on the other side, having recognized your close ones as poor listeners and feeling as if they are unaware of the surroundings and not listening or considering you at all. Most people in everyday life operate on the mental level, scattered and lost. If you recognize yourself or someone else operating in this way, don’t condemn, but replace condemnation with curiosity and understanding. We usually condemn things we don’t understand, but now you understand why a person can act according to this principle and why stepping out of the mental level, the level of the ego, is a difficult task for most people, and that they are probably not even aware that it is even possible to act differently. You also can share this text with them to read and contemplate in good faith.

I wish you more and more inner awareness and relationships that go deeper than the mental level.