How being a people pleaser can make you sick

Life in a community, whether small or large, fostering and deepening mutual relationships through providing help and care for one another, represents natural human virtues and needs. But when can our concern for others become excessive and harmful to our own well-being? At what point does dedicating ourselves to others lead to losing ourselves, and why do we consciously allow this to happen?

Excessively giving to others while denying ourselves, our needs, and desires – whatever the reasons may be – can, in the long run, lead to health problems. In our society, over-sacrificing and giving to others are not seen as issues but as virtues worthy of respect. Conversely, people who dedicate significant time to themselves are often labeled selfish and arrogant. Of course, there are times in life when it is necessary to help a friend or selflessly care for a loved one, perhaps during an injury, financial struggles, or old age. During such challenging periods that require patience and perseverance, it is essential that our assistance stems from love – unconditional and deliberate. This means we do not help others simply with the expectation of receiving something in return in the future.

It is crucial during these times not to suppress or harbor hidden anger and dissatisfaction, as these emotions harm us far more profoundly than the challenges of the situation itself.

I also notice this issue among many of my fellow therapists, who are deeply driven by a desire to help others. They often feel guilty when considering setting boundaries or limiting the number of therapy sessions because they need time for themselves and for regeneration. This guilt manifests in the belief that they could always help even more people in the time they take for rest. There are many reasons why we have lost the sense of balance between work, giving to others, and dedicating time to ourselves.

The Origin and Function of the Feeling of Inferiority

One possibility is that we carry subconscious patterns or beliefs about our own worth, which may have been instilled in us by other people or events in our past. These patterns most often originate in childhood and are linked to our parents and their attitude toward us, or the relationship between the parents themselves. A message suggesting that a parent views us as inferior or not good enough doesn’t have to be explicit to cause harm. A young child can interpret feelings of rejection or inferiority from events and circumstances that were neither intentional nor planned.

An example of such circumstances could be the prolonged separation from a mother. Perhaps the mother became ill during the child’s early years and had to spend weeks in the hospital, or she may have left temporarily for work-related reasons. Although her intention was certainly not to instill a sense of rejection, as a young child, we might subconsciously interpret the situation that way.

These feelings of inferiority can also develop later in life, for instance, when we experience failure, when our plans fall apart, or when we face a significant rejection we believe was our fault, such as in romantic relationships. These emotionally charged experiences can strongly influence our sense of self-worth, leaving lasting marks on how we see ourselves. Over time, we may unknowingly project these feelings onto situations and people who have no connection to the original wound.

The belief that we are not good enough, or that we are somehow less valuable, can convince us that we do not deserve attention, care, or respect – even from ourselves. As a result, we often prioritize others over our own needs. People with such beliefs about themselves also tend to struggle with accepting kindness, compliments, gifts, or any form of help from others, as they believe they are undeserving.

On the flip side, excessive giving to others often provides a constant source of validation and approval, which they might not have received during childhood and are now seeking externally. This dynamic can also create a subtle form of dependency: by giving so much to others, they may tie people to themselves, ensuring they cannot be abandoned, or instilling a sense of obligation in others. However, those on the receiving end of this dynamic often feel uncomfortable and trapped.

The issue of feeling inferior affects many people. A common pattern among those whose sense of inferiority was imprinted during childhood is its influence on their choice of profession. The subconscious may steer them toward careers where they become indispensable to others, such as doctors or police officers. The desire to feel needed – compensating for what was taken away at some point in life – can outweigh personal needs. Consequently, their inability to set boundaries and prioritize self-care can lead to burnout.

To overcome these beliefs and feelings, it is crucial to identify when and where they originated, confront them, and resolve them – ideally with the help of a therapist.

Caring for Others as an Escape from Our Deepest Desires

Living for a partner, family, children, or work is a common pattern among women who, for various reasons, have never sought the one thing that brings them joy – the purpose their soul yearns for. While it is true that the primary role of women is often seen as continuing the species and raising children, humans operate on a higher level of consciousness and awareness than animals. For true satisfaction and fulfillment, more is required than mere survival and procreation.

The role of a partner and mother is undeniably fulfilling in itself, but sooner or later, a woman may feel that something is still missing, that a part of her remains unfulfilled. To stand up for oneself, to pursue one’s inner desires and goals, and to start living one’s life purpose is not an easy path – especially when combined with the roles of wife and mother. However, while challenging, it is entirely possible and essential for both women and men. A lifetime of suppressing and denying one’s deepest needs and desires, as well as stifling creative impulses, inevitably takes a toll on health.

When various physical symptoms begin to emerge, it is often the soul’s way of drawing attention to itself and its unmet needs. The longer one chooses to ignore this call, the louder it becomes, often manifesting as more pronounced physical ailments. Women who decide to completely disregard their inner calling – whether out of fear or because they feel incapable of living life on their terms – often devote their entire energy and life to their family and partners. Many choose to live for their partner, adopting a supporting role in his life while neglecting to play the leading role in their own.

On the surface, such a woman might appear to be living a good or even perfect life, but only she knows the growing resentment, anger, dissatisfaction, and unfulfillment accumulating within her. These emotions inevitably manifest physically, often as skin conditions, reproductive organ issues, or even cancer.

The decision to share life with a partner and care for a family naturally requires a certain degree of compromise and adaptation. However, no individual should lose themselves entirely in the process. A healthy relationship should enable both partners to grow and develop their potential and interests, both together and individually. Partners should provide support and encouragement for each other’s personal growth.

Unfortunately, relationships often exist where one partner fears losing the other if they develop independently. Such feelings may stem from a sense of inferiority. This person, whether consciously or subconsciously, sabotages their partner’s progress, perhaps by belittling them or trying to extinguish the fire that represents their partner’s personal strength and motivation.

The Ego Might Also Be to Blame

When we are unable to set boundaries for ourselves and others, and we give of ourselves to the point of exhaustion, the root cause may lie in our ego. The desire to help others, when driven by the ego, can also be selfish. The ego craves endlessly: more success, more goals achieved, more boundaries pushed, more money – and most importantly in this context, more admiration and the feeling of being wanted and needed.

When our motivation to help others stems from the ego, our acts of giving merely serve to feed it. The ego is rarely satisfied with its achievements and will always strive for excess. The ego has no concern for our mental or physical health; to fulfill its desires, it will push us beyond our physical and emotional limits.

In the long run, this way of living is unsustainable, and sooner or later, we will come face to face with ourselves and our limitations. While acting under the influence of the ego might not be entirely conscious or deliberate, it is still our responsibility to confront it and bring it under control. The goal is to ensure that the ego works with us, not against us.

To free ourselves from the grip of the ego, we must first learn who the ego is and how it operates, so we can identify it. Awakening our consciousness is essential, as it is the only force capable of standing up to the ego. By cultivating awareness, we can bring the ego into balance and ensure it serves our higher purpose rather than letting our ego to run free and be incharge.

Overhelping Others Can Take Away Their Power

While our willingness to help those around us often comes from good intentions, sometimes our assistance can do more harm than good in the broader picture. Does this sound contradictory? Let me explain.

It’s natural to want to ease or even eliminate the pain of those close to us – whether it’s mental, emotional, or physical. We may feel compelled to lift their burdens or even take them on ourselves. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this desire. However, it’s worth reflecting on the long-term consequences for the person on the receiving end of such help.

By trying to alleviate the pain and struggles of others, we risk depriving them of some of life’s most valuable lessons and experiences. Of course, we can stand by our loved ones in difficult moments, offering advice and support. But attempting to shorten or eliminate their suffering entirely isn’t always in their best interest.

Life’s most important and transformative lessons often come from pain and hardship. These challenges, though difficult to endure, are the foundation for growth, awakening, and creativity. Overcoming suffering is how we discover resilience and create beauty from adversity. By removing someone’s pain too quickly or completely, we may inadvertently take away the critical steps they need for personal development.

The most valuable solutions and breakthroughs are those that come from within – not those handed to us by others. This is also the philosophy behind therapy: the goal of psychologists and therapists is not to provide all the answers or do the work for you, but to guide you toward finding your own solutions and taking your own steps. Self-discovery is infinitely more empowering than answers given by others.

When we overhelp someone, we may unintentionally hinder their ability to find the strength within themselves to take the next step. By doing so, we subtly send the message that we don’t trust them to handle their own challenges or know what’s best for their growth. Even with the best intentions, we may rob them of the opportunity to learn from their pain and tap into their inner power.

Healing – whether physical, mental, or emotional – happens at its own pace for every individual. It’s incredibly difficult to watch a loved one suffer, and it’s natural to want to shorten their time of hardship. But every painful experience requires time for recovery and reflection. While these periods of life may feel stagnant or even like a step backward, they are essential and transformative.

Let’s allow others the space to heal on their own timeline, not ours. Trust in their process, and recognize that their journey, though painful, is uniquely theirs to navigate and grow from.

How to Find Balance and Set Boundaries

The first step to learning how to set boundaries is to ask yourself why you struggle to do so. Why are you willing to exhaust yourself to meet others’ needs? It’s essential to uncover the underlying reason or subconscious mechanism that keeps you trapped in this cycle. Once you identify it, you can begin working towards breaking free and finding balance.

Start by becoming aware of situations where people take too much of your energy or time, and practice saying no. This is only possible if you truly know yourself and stay in touch with your own needs. Learning to listen to your body, emotions, and intuition is key. For instance, if you feel drained after spending time with a particular person, it’s a clear signal that boundaries need to be set, and you may need to limit the time you devote to them.

Setting boundaries also involves prioritizing what matters most in your life. You can’t function optimally if you continually neglect your own health and well-being. Recognize that prioritizing your own needs isn’t selfish – it’s necessary for sustaining your energy, mental clarity, and emotional resilience.

By understanding your limits, honoring your feelings, and valuing your time, you can build a healthier relationship with yourself and others, ensuring that your energy is spent in ways that serve both you and the people around you.